STARRY FORECASTS

by Madame Bovril

May2012

Aquarius You will come into some money, and then lose it again shortly afterwards.
Pisces Deep insecurity is the hallmark of this week for you.  Trust your instincts and hide until next week. 
Aries This is the happiest time of year for you.  Make the most of it, it won’t last.  It never does.
Taurus You will meet a handsome stranger, who will probably take advantage of you in some way.
Gemini  An important anniversary passes without remark.  How disappointing.
Cancer  Someone you know will let you down.  It will be no surprise.
Leo  Affairs of the heart will vex you sorely.  That’s putting it mildly.
Virgo  Mistakes once made cannot be undone.  Best to do nothing this week.
Libra Tragedy strikes not once, but three times on Wednesday.  Later you feel slightly better, until the weekend.
Scorpio The sun in the 4th house together with a planetary conjunction of Mars and Pluto means something terrible will happen sooner or later.
Sagittarius Travel is indicated, but what’s the point?  You won’t be any better off anywhere else.
Capricorn You will suffer an injustice at the hands of one you love.  Leave the bastard, he doesn’t deserve you.  After all the sacrifices you’ve made, the selfless commitment you’ve offered.  The man’s a heartless, unfaithful, lying toad, who should be crushed underfoot and left in the gutter where he belongs.

***

June 2012

Aquarius As a water sign you will understand that it never rains, but it pours, and this week will be no exception.
Pisces  You will receive an important letter on Tuesday, but the news will be disappointing.
Aries  A brighter time may be just around the corner.  However, not this week
Taurus  Seize an opportunity on Monday for happiness, if you can.
Gemini  The sign of the twins means you will have twice the misfortune of others this week.
Cancer  An unfortunate diagnosis ruins your weekend.
Leo  Your energy and enthusiasm for a task this Wednesday almost results in success.
Virgo Virgo is an ironic sign for some of you, and you know who you are, with the morals of an alley cat, and the character of a depraved Casanova. 
Libra  You will be weighed in the balance and found wanting this week. 
Scorpio A bitter sting on Friday as someone steals your wonderful new mobile phone.
Sagittarius Nothing much happens this week in your dull and tedious existence as you creep relentlessly towards death and annihilation.  
Capricorn A significant meeting will shock and surprise you on Thursday, as someone you had thought was out of your life forever turns up unexpectedly, and makes all sorts of unreasonable demands. They were never his DVDs in the first place, the nerve of him, after all I’ve done.

***

July 2012

Aquarius You will meet someone new and exciting this week, but they will hate you.
Pisces  A gloomy start to the week, as your pet goldfish mysteriously drowns.
Aries You have a tendency to lose your temper, which could result in serious repercussions.  Stay away from drunken football supporters and/or reality TV shows.
Taurus  The moon is in the ascendant, but unfortunately, you are not.  
Gemini  Your luck is finally about to change.  For the worse.
Cancer Now is the time to plan that long-awaited holiday.  Get some injections and load up on medicines and ointments.  You’re going to need them. 
Leo A blind date goes horribly wrong this week, as you have mistaken the name Paula for Paul.  He will be thrilled, but you won’t. 
Virgo Why won’t you listen to my advice?  You only have yourself to blame. 
Libra There will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.  That’s just generally, but you won’t escape your share.  
Scorpio You get a promotion at work this week.  More responsibility, less free time, more stress.

Sagittarius Someone near to you will be very lucky this week.  It’s never you, is it?

Capricorn A looming court case casts its shadow over the week, and re-opens the agonising, aching wound that used to be your heart, as that faithless, evil bastard seeks to separate you from the last vestiges of a dimly remembered happiness by stealing the very coat from your back.  They were never his CDs either